International Scandal


Okay, Vladimir, bring it on!

Dear Vladimir (Putin),

I know that these last few weeks have been a little tough for you what with your being accused of stealing the Super Bowl Ring from the owner of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft, and you being hammered by President Obama and the other G8 leaders in Northern Ireland. 

As for the ring fiasco, as a Steelers fan, I say, "Go, Vlad!" If Kraft was stupid enough to allow you to try it on and then walk away with it, that is really gutsy. 

However, I am writing to you about something much more vital to national security -- or at least, my security. 

I am concerned that someone in your country has been following me. We know about the NSA spying in this country, but I have no idea why he would find with my communications interesting. However, I have been informed that one of my blogs, aptly entitled "Still crazy after all these years," is being followed by someone in Russia. Think KGB, dude.

According to Google numbers about this blog, which I started on June 2, in the first 18 days of my blog, 15 page-views have been from Russia -- almost one a day. Initially, this baffled me, Vlad, because I really have not ties there. Northern Ireland, yes. Russia? No way.

Then I put my considerable sleuth skills to work and have figured out what has transpired. Since it involves you, I thought that I would give you a heads up about it since it involves some tweets.

Here is what happened. The Daily Show has a guest host for Jon Stewart right now named John Oliver. He is a Brit, so you should have known that you were in trouble with him. Oliver showed some clips of you riding horses with your shirt off, photos like this <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Vladimir_Putin_beefcake-2.jpg>. 

 I laughed and composed a tweet to you: "Hey dude, put your shirt on. No wonder your woman has ditched you for some 20-year-old, sculpted macho man."

Vlad, I was just joking. That Brit showed the photos, and I just was carried away. Truth be told, your 61-year-old body is not very well sculpted -- sorry. The 20-something young chics  will laugh you off the block, man. Keep your shirt on, please.

Then I figured out how you and your KGB buddies have nailed me the second time. This photo of the meeting in that swanky Northern Island resort sort of went viral on the Internet. <http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/06/17/18998085-obama-and-putin-cite-differences-on-syria-but-say-they-want-violence-to-end?lite>

In it, you looked like you were nodding off as you were talking to Obama about Syria, and the president really looked like he needed a Camel at that point.

Okay, on the tweet that I composed, I called you a sourpuss. Well, okay, a puss. Here it is: "Hey Vlad, Obama looks like he could nail you at that time since you really look like a puss who is really, really bored."  

I agree, that was not nice, but it was my feeble attempt at humor. However, here is the problem. I never actually tweeted either one of them. Someone must have hacked into one of my iMacs or MacBooks or iPad and sent those to your KGB agents. 

I was trying to figure out how you knew about the unsent tweets. Then I noticed that someone from Alaska was also keeping an eye on my blog. 

Finally, I realized what must have happened. Back in 2008, Sarah Palin, then the candidate for VP, told Katie Couric, "I can see Russia from my house." 

That's the key. Sarah was hired by Rupert Murdoch at Fox this week just after the network summarily fired her a few months ago. Then suddenly, she was rehired the same week that Rupert dumped his wife who is 40-years younger that he is. Suspicious.

So, Sarah must have read my blog and was probably not happen with something that I wrote. She must have forwarded that to your KGB agents. I am not exactly paranoid, but really, Vlad, I see this tie between you and Sarah. 

So, that is the link. Even though Sarah would call you a pinko socialist, she appears to be following my blog and sending it to your KGB agents. 

Not to make a big deal out of this, but if you continue your ties to Sarah through the KGB, I have to warn you about this: Vlad, bring it on!

The gloves are off: Mano to mano.

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